Isotropy
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Do Women Work Harder At Attractiveness?
Eugene Volokh has an interesting note from a female friend. Excerpts:
I think almost any man can be sexy, can become a good flirt, can learn to attract women, if he is truly willing to. Like most social skills, the general principles aren't that mysterious, and are quantifiable if you pay attention.
I agree completely with this. Here's more:
And I know a fair number of (good adjectives) single men, but [it's generally] also clear why they're single. They don't listen, and won't; they won't get a real job; they're boring but don't want to acknowledge it or do anything about it. Hey, if that shirt was "in" when they were in high school, no need to see if any ads/mannequins/humans under 60 wear it today.Notice what she focuses on as the problems. And more:
I don't have a single female friend who hasn't asked herself, "What am I doing wrong?" and been totally open -- often too open, in a self-blame-y way -- to the answer, and to changing the answer, often with great success. But I almost never find that men ask that question, or are even willing to hear the answer, let alone do anything about it.
This is the Big Question: do men try as hard as women?
I think the question is really should men try as hard as women? Maybe it's rational for men to not try as hard! I'm single, and only moderately successful, so let me take a crack at why I don't try harder. It's like elasticity: If a woman tries 10% harder and a man tries 10% harder, do they both get 10% more success? NO! I believe it's easier for women to derive benefit from extra effort!
Stereotypically speaking, men are powerfully influenced by beauty, while women are powerfully influenced by status. Men will chat up stunning women knowing they have no chance. I would bet that women do the comparable thing with unavailable high-status men. On the other hand, men are not particularly influenced by a woman's social status. Women are generally forgiving of a man's looks. The difference between how status and beauty work explains a lot:
1) Beauty can be partially purchased from the drugstore, the gym, the stylist, or the surgeon. Status cannot. There is no "extreme makeover" available for low-status men (short, shy, poor, etc.) The closest you can come is courage in a bottle, which works best if your love interest is also half-drunk. Improvement is cheaper for women than for men, and has a higher chance of success.
2) In a group encounter, you have to advertise more. Beauty is not zero-sum among women. Women focus more on improving their own appearance than damaging the appearance of others. Status is nearly zero-sum among men, so men often try to lower the status of other men and raise their own. Again, here improvement is cheaper for women than men.
3) Men still make the first overt move in most cases. Having done so, the man has already crossed his first interest threshold, while the woman hasn't. From this point, both sides are evaluating personality, but the woman starts with more "points". Having invested the effort, the man is probably willing to take some time to evaluate her personality, while the woman is still applying her first filter - is he worth talking to? Speaking grimly and with some exaggeration, the average outcome for most men is immediate rejection by an attractive person. This is not true for women.
Summing up: A man advertises in a zero-sum environment, every sales interaction starts with some up-front investment on his part, and upgrading is expensive and uncertain to even work. A woman advertises in a non-zero-sum environment, is solicited rather than solicits (possibly often enough that "unwanted sexual attention" is actually an issue for her - rarely so for men), and upgrading is straightforward.
Under these circumstances, why wouldn't women try harder than men? They get much greater output from extra input! My suggestion to women is, if you want men to try harder, make it clear that a payoff is actually likely.
Comments:
I agree with most of what you've said, except for a couple key issues.
First, you say men are powerfully effect by beauty, and I concur. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that men will always want to chat up a beautiful woman, or try to approach one when they see her. A man might be affected by beautiful woman by being completely intimidated by her appearance, and thus by being unable or unwilling to approach her because of it. There's no way to sound unspeakably conceited saying this, but I can personally attest that the "powerful effect" isn't necessarily a positive one. :)
Second, I disagree that is it "status," or at least status alone that attracts women. Yes, it's a factor; fame, wealth, social position-- these things are clearly attractors. However, something that I believe women also find extremely compelling is what might be called "personal status." It's not related to objective matters (like job or money), but character matters, such as self-confidence, charisma, and decisiveness. These are personality aspects that I've found women to be very attracted to. A plain man who is out-going, sure, and confident will do far better with women than an attractive man who's quiet, timid, and uncertain.
That doesn't mean women like men who are overbearing. A man can be confident and decisive while still being solicitous and attentive. Kindness will always be an important factor to women, and anyway, such attentiveness helps, in fact, to further indicate the man's confidence-- she sees him being kind and giving her lots of attention, and she thinks, "Hey, this guy knows what he wants and how to go about it!" No shyness or uncertainty there!
I think men sometimes confuse women's attraction to this type of personality with an attraction to "status" because such self-confidence and power of personality often go hand in hand *with* status. Frequently, when a man is very wealthy or successful (or both), that knowledge of his own success and ability translates into personal self-confidence and certainty, which is an aspect of charisma.
Summing up-- while a man's status is certainly an attracting factor for women, the man's personality is equally so. Charisma attracts women as much as, if not more than, objective status.
IMHO. ;)
First, you say men are powerfully effect by beauty, and I concur. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that men will always want to chat up a beautiful woman, or try to approach one when they see her. A man might be affected by beautiful woman by being completely intimidated by her appearance, and thus by being unable or unwilling to approach her because of it. There's no way to sound unspeakably conceited saying this, but I can personally attest that the "powerful effect" isn't necessarily a positive one. :)
Second, I disagree that is it "status," or at least status alone that attracts women. Yes, it's a factor; fame, wealth, social position-- these things are clearly attractors. However, something that I believe women also find extremely compelling is what might be called "personal status." It's not related to objective matters (like job or money), but character matters, such as self-confidence, charisma, and decisiveness. These are personality aspects that I've found women to be very attracted to. A plain man who is out-going, sure, and confident will do far better with women than an attractive man who's quiet, timid, and uncertain.
That doesn't mean women like men who are overbearing. A man can be confident and decisive while still being solicitous and attentive. Kindness will always be an important factor to women, and anyway, such attentiveness helps, in fact, to further indicate the man's confidence-- she sees him being kind and giving her lots of attention, and she thinks, "Hey, this guy knows what he wants and how to go about it!" No shyness or uncertainty there!
I think men sometimes confuse women's attraction to this type of personality with an attraction to "status" because such self-confidence and power of personality often go hand in hand *with* status. Frequently, when a man is very wealthy or successful (or both), that knowledge of his own success and ability translates into personal self-confidence and certainty, which is an aspect of charisma.
Summing up-- while a man's status is certainly an attracting factor for women, the man's personality is equally so. Charisma attracts women as much as, if not more than, objective status.
IMHO. ;)
# posted by 
: 10:33 AM
: 10:33 AM
Darn it, I forgot to post my name to that last. It's Laura. :)
BTW, I would further sum up that last post by saying that man *can* do something to "try harder," but not the same way that a woman would. If a man wants to do better with the chicks, he needs to try to be more self-confident and outgoing, more sure of himself with other people. This is clearly a lot harder than changing the shade of your lipstick, but possibly easier than shedding 30 pounds.
Laura
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BTW, I would further sum up that last post by saying that man *can* do something to "try harder," but not the same way that a woman would. If a man wants to do better with the chicks, he needs to try to be more self-confident and outgoing, more sure of himself with other people. This is clearly a lot harder than changing the shade of your lipstick, but possibly easier than shedding 30 pounds.
Laura
# posted by : 10:40 AM
: 10:40 AM
